Note: This post is specifically written for Muslim parents and presupposes reader’s belief in Quran and Sunnah.
Over the last few years I have come across Muslim parents who are making extra effort in following Sunnah. However, their over-emphasis on “school education” seems to be backfiring creating several issues stifling the growth of their children. Their misplaced emphasis and strictness reveals several major misconceptions from the Islamic point of view:
1. Excessive Worrying about Education for Earning-sake: Degree as Raaziq?
One can see that the worry of parents (especially mothers) is much more about “education for earning sake” because they are more worried about their children’s show-off-skills than with their cognitive, social and emotional skills which are more important. Mothers are excessively pressurizing the children to measure up to the artificial standards of the show-off-skills mandated by the intense peer pressure, which they can not withstand, especially if it is coming from their in-laws, friends, and cousins. This misplaced emphasis on show-off skills is actually detrimental to the natural development of their children.
I often ask such over-worried Muslim parents, who are mostly from well-off communities, whether your parents or grandparents ever worried about your school education as much as you are worrying about your children’s?
- Did they get you admitted to school at the age of 2.5 or 1.5 years? They did not!
- Were they worrying about your studies, when you were only 6 years old, as much as you are worrying about your child of 6-year old? They did not!
- Did your parents hounded you for the homework as much as you are hounding your children about homework? They did not!
- Were your grades and school performance better than your children? No!
Their answer is often an emphatic “no” to all these questions. If that is the case, then looking at your current situation are you starving? Are you short of money or resources? Are you financially sufficient? That is, Allah, the Raaziq, did provide for you irrespective of the ridiculous standards that you are worrying about!
These parents are much too worried and too much burdened by the peer pressure that seems to be mandating artificially constructed “milestones” (show-off-skills) of speaking, motor skills, reading, writing and school grades which are not backed by any sound academic basis from the experience of countries which are at the top of the education pyramid (such as Finland and other Scandinavian countries).
I am now forced to conclude that these Muslim parents in their subconscious have a weakened belief in Allah as the Provider: They believe that if they don’t teach or give a peer approved education, the future career of their children would be at stake i.e.the child may starve or become poor, or may not do well in class. Deep down they think that a good degree is equal to good earning. They actually think “Wal degree-o khair ur Raaziqeen”, instead of
Wallah o khair ur raziqeen.
Allah is the best of providers. (Quran 62:11)
Rizq is something that is given by the creator, as much as He likes, and from wherever He likes. Struggle is our responsibility and a precondition, but how much we actually earn is through the blessing of Allah and at His discretion. For the above reason excessive worrying about the show-off skills of your children borders on a mental sickness of Muslim parents for the following reasons:
2. Purpose of Education
The parents must understand that purpose of education is not to earn money. At best, earning is a by-product of education. Purpose of education is to learn how to differentiate good from bad, and truth from falsehood, and above all right from wrong. This is why Quran is “Furqan”:
Blessed is He who sent down the “Furqan” upon His Servant that he may be to the worlds a warner (Quran 25:1)
3. Explosion of Professional Degrees vs the Worry Factor
Over the last 40 years the importance of high grades at matric (O’Levels) and intermediate (A’Levels) has decreased tremendously. Today a student only needs a minimum of 50% to get into a professional college today. With so many choices at the higher education level, it is irrational and even ridiculous to be exerting so much pressure on the kids at school.
In Karachi, 40 years ago, there were only 2 engineering schools (NED and Dawood) and 2 medical schools (SMC and DMC) and one university (KU). A student who did not score well in matric or intermediate was destined to a BA/MA or BSc/MSc from an affiliated degree college. If there was any time when parents should have been worried about the future of their kids, then that was the time. However, parents were not worried as much because their belief in Allah as Provider was still strong, but now they are because their belief in Allah as Provider has weakened and they now believe that education is for earning-sake and Degree is their Raaziq.
Weakening of their belief in Allah as Provider is irrational and startling because in Karachi, today there are more than 44 chartered universities/Higher Education Institutions in Karachi, and it is so easy to get into a degree program of your liking that such excessive pressure on kids at such an early age appears not only irrational but sheer madness (e.g. admitting kids in schools at 1.5 and forcing tuitions upon 3-4 year olds). Please note that there are at least 20 universities offering engineering programs and another 17 universities offerring medical/dental programs. The choices for professional degrees are now much more and more lucrative such as media, arts, textile, film/TV, computer arts, computer science, fashion design, etc. You just need a minimum of 60% in intermediate to get into an engineering or medical program. One can join other professional programs with only 50% (in some cases with even less).
4. Showing the Right Path is the Responsibility of Parents
Being a “Haadi” is an attribute of Allah. He gives guidance to whomsoever He wills and leads astray whomsoever He wills. Yadillo mai yashaoo, waYahdee mai yasha-o. We seek His guidance for the straight path and pray to Him to guide us on the path who had His blessings.
For Allah leaves to stray whom He wills, and guides whom He wills. [Quran 35:8]
Our responsibility as parents is ONLY to teach our kids what is wrong and what is right and using “hikmah” let them know what will happen to them if they adopt straight path (basheer) and what will happen to them if they adopt the wrong path (nazeer).
Of course, we need to try to shield them from as much adversity and temptation as possible. However, when we get full of worry that they may be going towards the wrong path, and are about to blow our fuse, then we should seek help from the “Haadi” and pray to Him to guide the child towards straight path. Our getting angry, or getting irrational and using stick or punishment may not help at all. In fact, it may make the matters worse because your anger will make you lose your powerful capacity of parental love to transform their behavior with love, logic and firmness.
Parents need to understand the limits of their contribution to “hidaya” of their child. Given this understanding of their limitations, the tension level of the parents must decrease. Their anger and temper should consequently decrease. Consider this question:
- What should be the emotion of a father if he sees his child not praying despite his warning and reminding the child again and again?
- Should it be anger or should it be sorrow?
Father should exhibit the emotion of “sorrow” because the child who has not taken heed of his advice and did not pray may go to hell. This should fill the heart of the parent with sorrow. However, the reality for most parents is that the emotion they feel is “anger”. Which actually indicates that the ego of the parent has been hurt when the child refused despite his command and warning. Therefore, the most appropriate emotion of the parent is “sorrow” and not “anger” (which is an expression of hurt ego).
5. Belief in Learning Disability and Manufacturing Defect of a Child;
- Luqud Khalqnal Insaan a fi ahsun e taqveem (verily we have created insaan in the best of moulds: Quran 95:4)
- Afa hasibtum unnama khaluqnakum abasa (do you think we have created you without purpose? Quran 23:115)
- Concept of “tazkia”: Islam teaches us that man comes to this world in pristine form and the world soon starts polluting the personality which then requires “tazkia”, cleansing to revert to the original pristine form. See Education as Tazkia.
- How to assess those who are telling you that your child requires help because he has problems: Learning Problems: Top 9 Questions to Answer Before You Run for Help
See Also:
- List of parental counseling related posts
- What does a Child Need? Mother’s Teacher-hood vs Motherhood
- Parenting Challenges of the 21st Century
- Parenting and Physical/Corporal Punishment
- Harmful Effects of Comparing Siblings and Children
- 4 Attributes of Marital Relationships that can Build or Destroy
- Who Fails when a Student Fails
- Eight Disconnectivities induced by Social Networks and Smart Phones – Costs
- From Disposable Cups to Throwaway Relationships: Costs of Disposable Culture
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